Ok!

Anyone know any funny jokes. We’d love to hear them. E-mail lol@funn.ie and we’ll post the best ones

John

Q. What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending passing, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours.Do you think we could…”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Would you ever give me a break
and fuck Off,

I have to get up in the morning… you don’t.”

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…
________________________________________

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….
________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, And
whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…
________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

Well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..
_______________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,’I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started…
________________________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…
________________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability benefit as well.’

And then the fight started…
________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…
________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…
_______________________________________

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If
the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to
say that?’

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies:

‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck
him’

Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over… I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

Vinnie