I have to get up in the morning

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I [...]

Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
2. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
3. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth [...]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker [...]

Frog jokes

Q: How did the frog cross the road when atruck was coming? A: SPLAT!!! He didn’t.

What does a frog say when it washes car windows? Rub it, rub it, rub it.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?
A: “Baroke, baroke, baroke.”

A frog came into a bank [...]

Had a bad day?

Submitted by Jenny
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on [...]

THE POST OFFICE JOB INTERVIEW

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”, and [...]

Dear Pet!

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it [...]

Amazing Thing…

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was
completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to [...]

The Human!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women [...]

Gotta Love the Irish

This is the transcription of an ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-98.
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to [...]